“The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain:” A very famous line written by lyricist Alan Jay Lerner. Of course those words were written in the much simpler time of the mid 1950s. Now of course a more accurate line could be “The rain in Ukraine contains acid that burns and stains.” A rather acerbic reference to Chernobyl but definitely more relevant to the world in which we are now forced to live.

The point is that “The rain in Spain etc” was just a line from a song. Song lyrics definitely have their place and many conjure deep feelings for lots of people. However, there is no better way of affecting people with words than the medium of poetry. Without the music to distract, the words take on much more meaning. Even more so when read dramatically by a seasoned professional. After all take an average song (and there are a lot of those around these days); remove the music; remove the repetitive chorus and what do you have? A poem.

Don’t get me wrong I have been a songwriter for many years but I know from experience that audiences react completely differently to the same set of words when read dramatically then sung to music. There is a place for both genres, but poetry should never, ever be dismissed as old fashioned or even worse twee.

EARTH TURNS/NEGATIVE SPIN

When I was no more than a lad

Good was good and bad was bad

Definition was what we had

When I was a lad.

But things move on it’s assumed they must

Though shouldn’t advancement be discussed?

There’s no brain used just pelvic thrust

Disgusting but a must.

Bone idleness is now the lore

With the World Wide Web inside each door

The library? Hell that’s a chore

Bone idleness is now folk’s lore.

For queen and country people ran

An honour just to represent your clan

Now the race is run from a banking plan

Long forgotten why people ran.

We had the power for heat and light

To use all day and all the night

But somehow it does not seem right

That we’ll soon be back to candle light.

In those days when you didn’t need a seat

And the ball never left the best one’s feet

Now it’s stepovers ‘cos they can’t compete

And you’re not allowed to leave your seat.

Oh yes,

Do you have metatarsals? I never did

They weren’t invented when I was a kid

Safely in and out of tackles I always slid

As every kid I know did.

I was scared to death by The Exorcist

Which today is on a toddler’s list

And of tomorrow? “Live beheadings – Do not miss!”

And laugh at The Exorcist.

If you got involved in fisticuffs

And got knocked down that was enough

Now they want to kick you till you’re snuffed

It’s now rough stuff fisticuffs.

Not long ago when you had a blocked drain

You used drain cleaner in the main

Now scumbags use it to blow up planes

The world’s gone down the drain.

Oh give me back those days of yore

When your fingers didn’t walk and your feet got sore

And if you saw a bit of cleavage you shouted “Core!”

In those innocent days of yore. 

PEOPLE ARE THE ODDEST THINGS

What is it about people? They talk and act so odd.

When speaking to them frequently all you can think’s “Oh God!”

Some folk I know never go and visit relatives even once,

Until they die then the kinfolk cry and hold a mass séance.

What is it about people? They do the oddest things.

Then they blame all others for the derision that it brings.

Many people buy a dog and pay others to walk it for life.

That’s like getting married and having the best man shag your wife.

What is it about people? It seems they’re really dumb

And most of them, I’d say nine in ten, are still mentally sucking thumbs.

Take some obsessive disorders, they have helping clubs that claim

To be anonymous but first you must stand up and say your name.

What is it about people? They never see the light.

Sensible thought for most is nought; they never get it right.

They spend their young lives waiting, boys for hair and girls for breasts

Years come around, the breasts hit the ground and most men’s hair goes west.

What is it about people? Sometimes they talk such poo.

They get embarrassed, then feel harassed and don’t know what to do.

When you meet someone in the street and your name he hasn’t got;

“Don’t I know you?” he says. How do you know whether he knows you or not?

What is it about people? When they don’t know what to say

They’ll talk such crap to any chap who happens by their way.

You’re sitting quietly someone says “Why so glum?” It’s a disgrace.

It’s only 7 muscles to make a smile; it’s only 10 to make a fist so punch ‘em in the face.

What is it about people? Not always helped by external forces.

They listen to views then wrongly choose, I suppose it’s horses for courses.

My favourite bunch is M.E.N.S.A. they pray on dumbies with a clever take.

You give them money then they say, “Honey you’re clever.” Give me a break!  

RAPSCALIAN RAP

What’ve I got? I got my crew,

I got my blow, I got my brew

What’ve I got? I got the street,

The place where I have found my feet.

What’ve I got? I got a role,

I got respect, I got my dole.

What’ve I got? The latest threads

I nicked myself, the height of cred.

What’ve I got? I got the lot,

I got a clue, I found the plot

What’ve I got? I got no school,

No assembly line, no authority tools.

What’ve I got? I got liberty,

I got my space, I got my key.

What’ve I got? I got it made

I’m proud that I have made the grade.

What’ve I got? I got my say,

I got no flack, I got my way.

What’ve I got? An aggressive walk

That clears the pavement where I stalk

What’ve I got? I got my leer,

I got my glare so I got your fear.

What’ve I got? It all looks good

As I peep out from beneath my hood.

What’ve I got? The latest ASBO

Worn like a medal as my stature grows.

What’ve I got? I got your attention,

As I feed and grow with every mention.

What’ve I got? I got the choice

I got the ears to hear the voice.

But will I listen? Will I fuck!

‘Cos I’m happy in this life I’m stuck.

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

Was it when pounds and shillings and pence

Bowed down to money in units of tens?

Was it when we went from grammars to highs

And teaching standards suddenly died?

Was it when eggs, our staple as tots

Became questionable: Have you forgot?

Was it when baked beans went a similar route

‘Cos some dumb MP had a trumpet to toot?

Was it when “Nestles” one fine day

Decided to call itself “Nestlé”?

Was it when mental arithmetic

Became calculator fodder for the terminally thick?

Was it when computers took our power to think

And turned most into missing links?

Was it when see saws, slides and swings

Were ousted by Playstation and all those things?

Was it when smiling children their teeth in braces

Were replaced by hoods that cover their faces?

Was it when TV left the ground

To bounce off a satellite orbiting round?

Was it when drama of the highest quality

Was mugged by the 15 minuters of reality?

Was it when singers ceased to sing

Replaced by talentless hacks relying on bling?

Was it when Majorca once so exotic and far

Drowned in lager from a million bars?

Was it when we stopped being acreage hoarders

And opened up our precious borders?

The Righteous Brothers replaced by Right Said Fred:

When did it happen; us going soft in the head?