Published January 2011

Vote Alison MEP

Chapter Three

‘The European Union in its current form will not survive the recession. Neither will the Euro. And thank Zeus; it is conspiracy against the people and the sooner we are rid of it the better.’

‘Biscuit?

‘Ta.’

Joanna and Jady were relaxing in Chez Guevara, their comfortable and spacious detached home on a tree-lined avenue circling the outskirts of Spawater. Once split into two large flats, Jady had obtained enough money to purchase both halves and restore it to its proper state. His wallet was helped in this matter by Spawater’s falling villa prices, caused by the recession.

Jady accepted the proffered biscuit tin from a sceptical Joanna. His hand hovered briefly over the chocolate selection before diving in.

‘You are wrong about the European Union not surviving the recession,’ Joanna countered. ‘There is strength in numbers and the countries of Europe will battle through hard times better together than they would struggling on their own. And the Euro, Greece and Spain notwithstanding, will become stronger as more countries shelter under its protective shield.’

‘Like Iceland? Such strength.’ Jady harrumphed and sent his larynx into spasm. He straightened up hastily, coughing and spluttering chocolate biscuit crumbs into his cupped hand. Joanna responded jovially to this abrupt change of subject.

‘You shouldn’t harrumph while you are eating chocolate biscuits.’ She chortled as Jady washed away the debris with tea. ‘Now you have undigested digestives on your shirt. It is what Alison would describe as “never a good look.” Not if you want to play the great statesman.’ Impressed by her own eloquence, Joanna pressed home her political point. ‘When Churchill gave his blood, toil, sweat and tears speech, I’ll wager he didn’t have chocci bicci crumbs all down his front.’

‘...all right.’

‘Whiskey stains, maybe.’

‘...Point taken.’

‘Or more likely cigar ash.’

Jady sighed and brushed away the remaining debris with ill grace. Dignity eventually restored, he made his reply.

‘The Euro will collapse because national politicians will introduce import controls and similar protectionist policies to keep their domestic electors happy.’ He grinned as he came up with a good one. ‘Protectionism is the crack cocaine of economics, just as nationalism is the crack cocaine of politics. It delivers immediate euphoria, followed by paranoia, recession and destitution.’

Joanna groaned as Jady continued his lecture.

‘The piper payers, Germany mainly plus France and the Netherlands, Austria and Britain, will baulk at subsidising the tune callers and will set high interest rates. The pigs, Portugal, Italy and Ireland, Greece, Spain and others will set low interest rates, and when the strain grows strong enough we will hear a loud snap.’ Jady cracked a biscuit for emphasis. ‘Then, when the dust finally settles, there will be bits of broken Euro all over the place. Another fine mess.’

‘Rubbish.’

‘Or rubbish, if you prefer. Each government will blame the others for the collapse. Greece has already blamed their mess on the Germans for stealing their gold and wrecking their industry during world war two. The Germans have raised their eyes to the skies and said it’s about time Europe got over the soddin’ war. If they keep banging on about it, say the Germans, maybe we’ll try third time lucky.’ He sniggered. ‘So much for European solidarity. There will be plenty of shouting, then one country will suspend its membership of the EU - just temporarily, it will announce - until this pesky recession is over. Within a week, half the remaining countries will do the same. Then,’ he dunked his half-biscuit in his tea, ‘all bets are off.’

Joanna gazed around their airy, high ceilinged and over-furnished living room. It reflected Jady’s personality and Joanna had long ago given up threatening to exile its contents to the charity shop. Along with the cellar - Jady HQ - she accepted the living room as his domain. The remainder of the Chez Guevara roost was under her rule. The system worked.

The east wall was adorned with books, decked out like a pre-internet library; solid shelves of hardbacks from bending down to tippy toes, broken only by the imposing cellar door. To the west, past a door or two, an eighteenth century sideboard lurked behind a Georgian wooden lamp stand, and a grandfather clock stood at attention next to a panelled wooden door leading to the hall. This door was guarded by the huge, faux Ming vase employed to house visiting umbrellas. South past the upright piano, a large real fireplace cast its warmth over the family sized sofa where they now lounged, escorted by comfy armchairs like destroyers around a battleship, with the tea table facing front. North boasted an Edwardian chest of drawers to the side of the bay windows. Lesser items, often discovered by shins in the dark, speckled the Axminster at random.  Dominating the centre was a boardroom sized Chippendale table bestrewn with papers, books, ornaments and general flotsam.

The room was eclectic, but hardly the stuff of revolution. More the study of a retired colonial governor from the days of Empire. All it needed was a pink globe.

The atmosphere as ever was peaceful, calm as church. Once again Joanna marvelled at how such a quintessential Englishman as Jady could discuss rationally and calmly events to stagger the world, matters possibly of war, starvation and chaos, over tea and chocolate biscuits. Of course, along with most of the citizens of Spawater, Jady was also a descendent of the lion-clad Roman Empire, and this, she reasoned, might have something to do with it.

‘That’s what you are going to tell Alison is it?’

Jady stretched for the biscuit tin.

‘That we are on the verge of the EU imploding? Of course.’ He grinned. ‘Not in so many words, perhaps…’

Joanna snatched the tin back, scraping Jady’s knuckles on the metal ridge.

‘If you are going to elect Alison to the European Parliament under false pretences, you can at least save her the chocci biscuits.’

Jady was waiting for Alison to arrive. He was soon to launch his campaign to elect her as the sane, anti-EU MEP for Spawater and the UK western region, so she needed to know what the Project - otherwise known as the European Union - was all about. And what was wrong with it.

When Jady had first thought of the possibility of engineering an election, he asked around to find out what people thought about elections in general and the European Union in particular. He found the expected mixture of those for it, those against, and the great apathetic majority who did not particularly approve but didn’t really care and assumed it a fait accompli. What Jady found vastly more interesting was that not one person in a hundred could talk authoritatively on the subject. He mentioned this to Joanna yet again.

‘How many people, for example,’ he enquired, ‘know the difference between the Council of Europe, the Council of the European Union and the European Council?’

‘Go on then...’

‘The Council of Europe is not part of the EU and is to thank, and I use the word loosely, for the European Court of Human Rights. The Council of the European Union is made up of the national ministers and is the number one decision maker in the EU, much more important than the parliament. The European Council consists of the 27 heads of state plus the European president, Monsieur Rumpypumpy, and is currently vying with the Council of the European Union for supremacy. Clear? Good. Now, who can name the five principle EU institutions?’

‘I’ll bet you can.’

‘The Commission, the Council of Ministers, the Parliament, the Court of Justice and the Court of Auditors,’ Jady rapped smartly.

‘No kidding?’ Joanna didn’t bother to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. Jady waved his chocolate half-biscuit at her in triumph.

‘And the Committee of the Regions?’

‘Never met it.’

‘You see? You are a supporter of the Project yet even you are bored by the setup. And you are one of the miniscule number who take a real interest in matters European. You probably know more about European integration and all that than the average schmuk in the street, but it still sends you to sleep. Think how non-political folk react’ He dunked his half-biscuit in his tea. ‘This confusion is a deliberate ploy by the founders of the Project; they always meant to create a united states of Europe but they knew the proud Europeans would never wear it, so they decided from the start to bore people to tears so they would not notice the slow erosion of the sovereign rights of the European nations.’

Joanna sighed. ‘Save it for Alison.’

On cue, the doorbell rang. It chimed a dippy, full-of-life tone.

‘That’ll be her now. Off you go.’

Massaging his knuckles, Jady rose confidently and sauntered westward ho to the outer hall.

‘Skipping lightly over us Romans, Alexander the Great and assorted maniacs, the modern idea of united Europe began during the Great War of 1914-1918. During the slaughter, divers politicians and civil servants thought it would be a good idea if Germany and France stopped beating the bejabbers out of each other every twenty years. The way the politicos and bureaucrats thought they could do this was by uniting Europe’s main heavy industries - coal and steel - into one huge concern so that they could never again conscript their own industries for war. European industry would be so mixed up that war would be impossible, at least with each other.’ He poured himself a Darjeeling from the posh teapot. Monkey tea for pleasure, believed Jady, Darjeeling for business. ‘They would be too busy doing business deals together to drops bombs on each other. Besides, if they bombed each other’s coal and steelworks, they would be bombing their own shared property. That was the theory.’

Alison smiled winningly. ‘Fair trade not air raid. Yes, I can see how that would work.’

Joanna grimaced. ‘I can see why you are so successful in brand building. You have a slogan for everything.’

‘Never underestimate the power of a catchy catchphrase. Go on, Jady.’

Following the initial how-are-you-doings, Alison settled comfortably into one of the luxurious armchairs accompanying Jady and Joanna’s sofa in front of the fireplace. Despite her sylphlike figure - Alison was a direct descendent of Zeus and Leda, one of the prettier whooper swans of Sparta - Alison could dunk chocolate biscuits with the best of them. Suitably armed, she absorbed Jady’s history and economics lecture while displaying the wide-eyed awe she gave all her clients when listening to them eulogising their latest brands.

‘Possibly because brand promotion specialists hadn’t really caught on in early twentieth century Europe,’ a refreshed Jady continued, ‘the idea was not an immediate success. Twenty years later Germany and France were at it again, with hammers and tongs produced by their own separate coal and steel industries, again roping the rest of Europe and elsewhere into their squabbles. Adolf Hitler did his best to unite Europe but not in a way that Spinelli, a part-time Italian communist jailbird, and his one-Europe-one-nation pals in Germany and France, really liked.’

‘That’s a good slogan,’ interrupted Alison.

‘What’s a good slogan?’

‘One Europe, one Nation.’

Joanna cackled aloud, alarming the teacups, while Jady stewed gently.

‘Blinding. But it is on the wrong side. We prefer one-person-one-vote. Or one nation one world.’

‘We do?’

‘Yes, but we can go into that later. Now back to what the European Union is really all about.’

‘Oh yes. Do go on.’ Alison brushed aside her fringe and gave Jady her eager attention while Joanna marvelled at the thought of her soul mate and her best friend - along with Jenna - on the campaign trail. Peaceful surroundings notwithstanding, life was never dull in Chez Guevara. 

‘The last thing the French wanted, especially the farmers,’ continued Jady, ‘was the Germans in charge. So when they got World War Two out of the way, the European dreamers finally fired up their precious Coal and Steel Pact whereby, as previously stated, various European countries would merge their heavy industries, tangle them up in red-tape and bureaucracy and make war impossible. But the Coal and Steel Pact was the one-Europe-one-country gang’s Trojan horse. Once they got their hoof in the door by setting up a pan-European industrial complex, they could set about their real aim: bringing political unity to the whole of western and possibly Eastern Europe.

‘But they could not say this openly. They could not publicly announce that the purpose of the Coal and Steel Pact was to begin a process that would end with a united states of Europe.’ He nodded good-humouredly at Alison. ‘Or One Europe One Nation, as you might say. They did try a couple of times, but found that the people wouldn’t wear it. The people were stubbornly attached to their own countries, or even their own part of their own countries. If anything, people wanted more independence from central governments, like the Scots and Welsh nationalists and Basque separatists, rather than a European federal super state. So, for the people’s own good, decided Spinelli and his pals, they had to be hornswaggled into a united states of Europe. The only way they could achieve this was by uniting Europe a slice at a time.

‘As I said, this included Eastern Europe. They wanted to include countries from what was then the Soviet Union; that state capitalist monstrosity masquerading as a communist people’s paradise. It didn’t seem to cross their minds that the only way they could get the Soviet Union countries on board was if the Soviet Union imploded.’ Jady took a sip of tea. ‘But if a ruthless outfit like the Soviet Union could not unite a bunch of eastern European countries for any length of time, what chance has an effete, western European Union? ...A liberal hotchpotch with its airy-fairy human rights and freedom of expression?’ Jady shook his head sadly. Alison looked concerned. Joanna poured more tea for herself.

‘No, the only way Europe will stay united for more than two economic recessions is by the most brutal trampling of its population, the way Stalin kept Russia together when Hitler was at the gates of Stalingrad. Constant spying on the people, Stasi style, 1984 databases in glorious high-definition three dimensional technicolor, that’s the way to unite Europe and keep it united. That’s the only way.’

‘So you are saying that Spinny and his friends were as bad as Stalin and Hitler?’

‘No Ali. Not at all. Spinelli and his friends wished to unite Europe for the best of reasons. Their intentions were good. They saw its people suffering through wars and through lack of simple economic cooperation. They imagined a European nirvana, where people could live or work anywhere they chose within its boundaries; where economic and cultural integration made war not just impossible, but unthinkable. Their hearts were in the right place, just as today’s supporters of the Project have their hearts in the right place.’

Joanna grinned cynically. ‘But not their brains, eh? How wonderfully condescending you can be, my love.’

‘Funny you should mention condescending,’ continued an unabashed Jady, ‘because that is a pretty good word for Spinelli and his pals. They saw that peace in Europe was best achieved by uniting Europe into one country along the lines of the USA. The United States of Europe. After all,’ Jady returned Joanna’s grin with interest, ‘it stopped the Americans fighting each other. Well, most of the time. The south will rise again. We must visit the Confederate States of America soon and find out when the next rising will begin.’

‘Never mind the Confederate States of America. It’s the United States of Europe that interests me. Now get on with it. What is patronising about wanting to unite Europe?’

‘The patronising bit is that Spinny and his pals thought they were the only people who saw that unity was necessary for peace and prosperity, and that the people of Europe were too dumb to see it for themselves. As I say, they made a few attempts to persuade the people to pool their countries into a European state, but each time they tried openly and honestly, the people of Europe told them to stuff their United States of Europe where the olives don’t shine.’ Jady sipped his tea significantly.

‘So, as I have to keep reminding everybody, they decided that Europe must be united by stealth. The people of Europe were far too stupid to listen to their wise words, so the people of Europe must be shanghaied into a united Europe while they are asleep. In practice, this meant turning Europe into a single entity a small step at a time, slice by slice, until Europeans one day woke up to a united Europe where peace, love and sunshine would reign supreme forevermore. This would take years, the world’s slowest coup d’état. About a century from 1918 in fact, but the noble forefathers of the European Project knew they were right; even though the ordinary people in their ignorance thought that the noble forefathers  were a bunch of high flown wax-chewing Icaruses; wise fools and ill informed egotistical ignoramuses. Or is it ignorami? And patronising to boot, thinking that they knew better than the gut instincts and folklore of millions of people over centuries. These rational Pharisees thought that not only was uniting Europe a good and great thing, but that they had the right to inflict their crackpot theory on millions of people without so much as a by-your-leave. They could not win over the people by the logical arguments of which they were so proud, but instead of conceding that there might be a logic higher than their own, they simply assumed that those who rejected their theories must be halfwits or malicious or both.’ He finished his tea in a marked manner.

‘That, my petal, is condescending. Compared to them, I am merely an amateur.’

‘But one who aspires to be a well-paid professional.’

‘Absolutely. And while I’m at it, make my fortune writing about the EU’s demise as seen from the inside.’

‘So,’ interrupted Alison, having consumed her biscuit leaving not a crumb untended, ‘check I’ve got this right. Spinny and his pals wanted a United States of Europe but they could not say so out loud because the people of Europe did not fancy being part of a United States of Europe, and would vote against it given the chance.’

‘Got it in one.’

‘But they were sure they were right even if nobody agreed, so they decided to sneak the European Union past the people an inch at a time and hope that the people wouldn’t notice. And their aim all along was to create a United States of Europe in order to bring peace and prosperity.’

‘A perfect summary.’

‘And they did this because they were good people who wanted peace and prosperity for everyone.’

‘Good grief,’ gasped Joanna.

Ignoring his soul mate, Jady replied to Alison.

‘Well mainly, yes. They naturally appointed themselves to all the top jobs, but that was only because they knew best. Like the pigs in Animal Farm. Not for their own personal enrichment or aggrandisement. Perish the thought.’ Jady raised his eyebrows in silent eloquence and continued.

‘Creating the United States of Europe was the real aim of Spinelli and his pals. And it is their successors’ aim today, their successors being both the European Commission and the European Council. Trouble is they know today’s ordinary European folk will not wear it any more than their grandparents. Baguettes instead of bangers? Roast beef instead of nutritious frogs’ legs? Yellow stars on blue instead of drapeau tricolore?  Non non non! So they still have to work by stealth. An inch - sorry centimetre - at a time. We have a bunch of conventions, treaties and accords, each one leaching a bit of sovereignty away from the national governments and directing it towards the Project centre in Brussels. Or Strasburg. Or possibly Luxemburg. They even smuggled in a so-called EU Council President and European foreign secretary, a sneaky backstairs poetic schemer and a tame nondescript, without giving us a chance to vote for or against either the creation of the roles or those chosen to fill them. At least they were not out and out villains,’ conceded Jady reluctantly, ‘we nearly ended up with President Tony Blair, for Zeus’s sake, a bloody warmonger, with his scrounging pompous wife Cherie Antoinette. Or maybe that was just bluff and Blair was never in the running, just put up to scare us into accepting Monsieur Rumpypumpy, or whatever his name is as Council President instead. We’ll never know. One of their tactics is to make the whole Project so vague and confusing that people will turn off and lose interest. That way they can keep building the European Government without anyone noticing. And so far they have done a brilliant job.’

‘Surely some people have noticed? What about the opposition?’

‘Yes, some people have noticed and opposed, and a fat lot of good it has done. The EU-sponsored quangocracy present opponents as revolving-eyed little Englanders with pin-ridden maps of the British Empire on their walls; diehard imperialists who regard the USA as a bunch of uppity colonialists who still owe us the tax on their Boston tea. Men in wicker hats, open toed sandals and socks, bright shirts and corduroys. Not forgetting oddballs and nationalists, cultural Neanderthals who no one in their right minds would trust with a box of matches.’ Jady frowned.

‘That’s the trouble. The Europhiles have wrapped things up so well that anyone who opposes their precious European Union is seen as a loony, racist or at best, lovable eccentric who should be put in a zoo. Even the phrase “Europhobe” conjures up images of philistines who hate all European culture, architecture and philosophy. The media depicts Europhobes as cultural vandals who would draw a moustache on the Mona Lisa.’

‘And cut the arms off the Venus de Milo,’ added Joanna deadpan.

Jady beamed over at Alison. ‘Until, Ali, you appeared on the electoral scene. The media can’t call you swivel eyed or bonkers. You, my pretty, are the sane, humane but never plain, opposition to the Project, and you have policies that will win the people over, Europhobes and Europhiles alike.’

Alison shucked bashfully and turned to Joanna. ‘I love Jady’s confidence, don’t you, Jo?’

Joanna shuddered. If she didn’t love her Jady with all her heart, soul and being, she wouldn’t give him house room.

‘But what I don’t understand, Jady, is this. If the European Common Market Union is so sneaky, and if, as you say, it is in big trouble because of the recession, then what is the point of standing to become a member? It sounds like jumping on board the sinking ship.’

‘Or sinking gravy boat,’ added Joanna, resting back on the sofa.

Unshipping a glance at Joanna which in a less loving relationship any half-decent lawyer would construe as grounds for divorce, Jady turned towards Alison.

‘Good question. And here is the great answer.’

Jady’s European policy rested on two Aces, to be played by Alison when the time was right. Alison would play the first one at the beginning of the campaign, the second one she would play halfway through, if his second-guessing the response of the pro-EU opposition was correct. Both cards were democratic, both radical and both designed to trump his - or rather Alison’s - opponents. He prepared to reveal his first Ace.